STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS CAN ALSO HURT ME

TEXT CONVERSATION DEPICTING EMOTIONAL ABUSE; GRAPHIC BY LILI NANDELL

To those who need this,

Being in high school, some of us have already started dating. These relationships may last a week, a month, or even a year. No matter how long the relationship, the emotional effects, good or bad, can last a long time, even after the relationship. Emotional abuse is one of these things that leaves lasting effects in a relationship. In high school, it gets blown off as just “teenagers being teenagers”, but it’sreal thing that can happen at any point in life. There’s the argument that emotional abuse isn’t real abuse, but it’s as real as any other form. It has lasting effects. All of the researched information in this article came from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. In fact, it’s one of the most common forms of abuse. 

It’s hard to recognize, but there are signs. Over time in an emotionally abusive relationship- confidence, self-worth, and mental health will all diminish. A partner is supposed to build and encourage you, but in an abusive relationship they will say and do things that break you down over time. That behavior, and others, is what results in the decline of self-worth. Often times, the victim becomes emotionally dependent on their partner, and it can also make it hard for them to express how they feel. This can be troubling in later relationships. You may find that you’re not the same person you were when you met them, in the same way that something traumatic can change a person.

There are quite a few red flags that most don’t notice, but once pointed out they become obvious. Things like your partner calling you names and demeaning you, embarrassing you, making you feel dumb, controlling what you wear or how you look is all emotional abuse. However, often times, it’s played off as a joke or as just a “preference”. Of course, a partner is allowed to have preferences but telling your partner what they SHOULD do over just complementing what you like are two different things. You are a person, and you should never feel like you have to do something to be desirable to your partner. A relationship is about unconditional love, not conditional love. Joking is fine too, but excessive belittling is not joking, it’s just bullying. If you do make playfully mean jokes, make sure your partner knows that it is just a joke. Reassurance and valid consent is key when it comes to those kinds of jokes.

Adding on, gaslighting is when the abuser makes you question reality, telling you what happened didn’t actually happen and is a serious form of manipulation. It can make it hard to bring up the emotional abuse, and if you’re forgetful it can be even worse. 

The silent treatment is also a form of manipulation, and it’s often used to get their way. Same with guilting, especially if you already said that you didn’t want to do what they want. Guilting is a form of coercion, and coercion is NOT consent. If you feel forced into something, it’s likely coercion or peer pressure.

Being jealous of the time you spend with other people, like family or friends, constant monitoring, unreasonably untrusting, constantly accusing you of cheating with no valid reason, and/or general possessiveness can make it hard for the person to reach out. Some abusers will go out of their way to isolate the victim so they can’t get help. It often times makes it even harder for outside people to catch. If a friend or trusted person brings up a concern, make sure to monitor the brought-up behavior. In many cases, the people around you will see what you don’t see. 

If you feel like you may be in a emotionally abusive relationship, call, text or message thehotline.org. They have resources that can help you with the next steps after this realization and they are completely anonymous. Also try reaching out to a trusted friend or adult. Psychologytoday.com also has a large number of therapists you can look though and filter by insurance or by your needs. 

Finally, here’s my words to those who have gone, or are going through this. Those who have been told those words that still echo in your head. Those who still blame themselves for the things that were never their fault. You never did anything to deserve to be treated that way. It’s hard to accept, but this type of relationship is NOT healthy. It is up to you to determine whether the relationship is emotional abuse, but please keep in mind the signs. Once you start moving on though, it does get easier, and you do get better. I know “It will get easier” is a phrase used far too much, but it’s the truth. There will be bad days- very bad days -but over time they’ll become manageable. Then, there will be okay days, then good days. The anger is the worst part of moving on, but it fades eventually. It is possible to heal, and you will heal. 

– A friend who knows